will there ever be me and you?

you've got to be shitting yourself.

2011-06-07T08:20:00.001+08:00

you can call me whatever the fuck you want. because one more person telling me how useless pathetic and what a jerk I am is just not gonna hurt anymore.

I'm already trying to die as fast as I can. you don't have to keep pushing me to it.

and seriously.
who are you kidding?
you're not gonna quit smoking for me. you know you were never going to?
so please. don't sell yourself short.
you're a smoker.
I hope your next boyfriend loves that about you.
cause I really preferred loving you when I was in denial.

atleast I could have pretended life was good and make up sex was great.

maybe I just miss holding your body and kissing your lips.

I guess videos and my bolster will have to do till I go.

moving. where?

2011-06-05T10:58:00.001+08:00

I really don't appreciate being stalked. so please get a grip on yourself. I'm not moving on to anybody. but I'm not planning on moving back either. I wanna start moving forward. and if you can't accept that then I won't do anything. I'm tired of trying to appease you. I've spent my youth doing that. you wanna quit? that's good for you. but you're gonna do that because you want me back? that's not sacrificing. that's just plain stupidity. cause if you don't quit for yourself. no matter how hard you try. you're definitely gonna fall back. so please Maria. think before you start blabbering promises you can't keep. ok? you're driving me crazy every freaking month. when you have me you treat me like I'm not important. when you're all alone? you love me like fuck and want me back? I don't care if I'm having a bad day. but seriously. I'm sick and tired of it. really. I'm going to sleep and praying I'll never wake up. goodnight.

slowly but surely.

2011-06-02T02:53:00.001+08:00

at least some promises you broke worked out to your advantage. hope he'll treat you better than I did.

what is love?

2011-06-01T15:14:00.001+08:00

from the way you behave it looks like you're ready to give up too. that's good.

nicotine does help huh?
good luck with that.

inevitability.

2011-05-31T03:16:00.001+08:00

I have decided. that I will be alone. I'm sorry. i will do everything alone. I will die alone. and that shall be it.

ich liebe dich.

rainy days.

2011-05-30T15:58:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry to hear about the white furball. you know I always loved him. I hope you're doing ok.

tire.

2011-05-30T04:04:00.001+08:00

the next time you see me I'll be in a wooden box with a hand written note that says my name.

celebrate life. embrace death.

2011-05-30T03:59:00.001+08:00

me: I'm holding my birthday at the cliff.
you: there's a chalet there?
me: no. just a cliff. goodbye.

miserable at best part II

2011-05-29T17:02:00.001+08:00

I'm glad you're doing fine without me. I really hope you're happy.

cause I'm miserable.

rant.

2011-05-28T04:42:00.001+08:00

I miss you like crazy.

signing out.

2011-05-28T04:25:00.001+08:00

i always thought you were the only one.
and i still do.
but i cant take it when you lie to me.
everybody lies to me.
and i would expect the one person that just wouldn't would be you.
i loved you with all my heart.
but what did i get?
broken promises.
everytime i got back with you i hoped you would love me a little more to lie to me a little less.
but the lies kept getting more.
i cant take it anymore.

i'm dying without you.
but i'm dying when i'm with.

why did you have to make it so difficult?
i always hoped you would be the one i marry.
to hold and kiss on the altar.
i dont think i can love anybody else the way i loved you.
i will be there for them.
i will try my best.
but you?
i gave my all.
everything till i was left with nothing.

i really dont know if you still read my blog.
but if you do.
i want you to know that i will always love you.
i will be here watching over you in the shadow.
just like how i've always been.

maybe it's time you got to experience the world like i did.
but only to find out that everything you ever wanted was right here.

i hope you're happy.
and i hope you're moving on.
it's best for you.
i have a feeling i'm not gonna be here for very long.
i wish you all the best hots.

to say those things to hurt you,
hurt me a lot more than you think.

muacks,
forever yours,
faithfully,
sean dominic zeno iseral.

Post Break-Up Sex

2011-02-07T17:12:00.000+08:00

love to hate.

2011-02-07T14:30:00.002+08:00

the love is gone,
the hate sets in.

the pain increases,
the tears roll down.

it was all a good show.
to the players i shall take a bow.
it's time for me to retire.
i'm out of this game.

fuck girls.
they only ruin lives.
make it evermore complicated.
i can't take it.

the first time in my life,
i won 150 bucks.
but i can't even feel an ounce of happiness.
thanks to you.

i accept the responsibility.
and i hope you'll always stay this happy.

i'm out of your life for good.
you're not gonna get a wish from me.
not a message.
not a call.
you and me?

we're done.

please don't bother messaging me.
cause i wont reply.
dont bother calling either.
i'd rather die than hear your voice.

this is call love.
love to hate.

The Tony rich project.

2011-02-07T01:36:00.002+08:00

Nobody knows it but me.

I lost my bestfriend.
I don't know when I'm gonna see her again.
She doesn't know either.
The one person that I could count on to tell anything.

She's gone.

Come back chubbs.
I need you now,
More than ever.

lie to me.

2011-01-24T01:00:00.003+08:00

funny how when you test someone they usually fail.
i didnt think you would have failed.
but i certainly prepared for it.

i knew you would tell her
after everything.

you may have kept most of the details
but what's the point?

you expect people to trust that when you tell them they wont
but life isn't so fair isn't it?

whatever reasons you told her.
i hope it's worth it.

cause you've just proven i can't rely on you.
especially on the things that matter.

good luck with your new life.

i shouldn't have given anybody the chance.
i played you'll so well.
eliminated all the competition.
now i've only got myself to play.

whatever you've heard.
you will believe.
because i was so believable.

you'll honestly shouldn't forget.
i'm probably the best liar out there.

It's gonna be too late.

2011-01-16T15:49:00.002+08:00

Being mad won't help anybody. It's time you decided what you want and live with your decision. And if you decide you want me. You'll have to come get me. I'm not gonna be in another half past 6 relationship again.

Mary jane.

2011-01-12T04:26:00.001+08:00

I didn't cry the day you moved away
I didn't think that I could feel this pain
Until I saw the stranger that was you
Whatever happened to our innocence
And the somethin' that you said about being friends
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
That nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had
Can you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

I need to wake up from this state of mind
The situation is the same kind
I gotta get your memory out of my head
Would you catch me if I had to fall
Would you even find the time for that at all
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

Big girls don't cry.

2011-01-11T08:47:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry i never had the courage to admit i love you.
but i'll be missing you. i always have.

i never needed you to actually change or whatever.
you always missed the point.
the whole point was the effort.
to put in something without always thinking what it would cost you.

i know what it felt like from you cause you used to do it.
a long time ago.
but i will always remember.

to think that i don't forgive you,
maybe you dont really know me then.

i don't need your prayers and your sympathy.

i will be fine.

if you think you're moving somewhere these past 3 years then i'm happy i stayed where i am.

up till now you never realise anything.
i never wanted you to change for me.
i only wanted you to be a better person.
but you cant even see that.

you will never see anything cause you put yourself first.
i don't/
and no matter how much you try telling yourself i do.
you know the difference in your heart.

i gave up on so many things maria.
you know that.
but not once i gave up on you.
you were the one thing that i tried harder everytime.
everytime you fell and just wanted to run away.
you forgot who was there.

i guess it's true.
nice guys finish last,
nicer guess don't even get to finish.

you know i blame myself for half of the things that you're doing or did.
maybe it's not my fault.

it's not my fault you picked up smoking.
or that you did that thing with that guy,
and that guy,
and that guy.

it's not my fault.

yes i broke up with you and went with her.
at that point i won't regret that.
but i realized that didn't i.
and when i came back to you.
you just had to put up a damn wall infront of your face,
just for the fun of it right?
you waited for almost two years you know?
and when i finally came back,
you just had to shield everything.

fine,
i get the first few weeks.
or even two to three months.
but's it's been more than a freaking year.
and you can't let that go?

haven't i proven myself more than enough times these past few months?
have you?

you're the one that cheated on me ok?
but what the fuck did you do?
turn and walk away.
i had to fucking run after you and threaten to go to your house if you didnt come meet me.
why the bloody hell would i do that huh?
for fun la.
because i like getting hurt by you.
i like hearing stories from you that make me cry at night and smoke more.

you know,
i was ready to quit smoking with you if you wanted this year.
i told myself that.
but hell,
you weren't even cutting down.
every two hours you'd be asking me to go for one.
it was like going out with gabriel.
the thing is,
i don't fucking care about gabriel like that.

maybe it's time i gave up on you too.
since you've given up to.

i thought by giving you all the space you wanted,
you might have the time and the space to think.
well,
i keep thinking wrong nowadays don't i?

just because you try once and you get blown straight off,
that's the end of it eh?
well,
you're not me.
i don't expect you to try and try and try and try and try.

that's just me,
stupid and just so damn emotional.
because i would do anything for you.
and i still would.

goodbye maria.
i love you too.

arrogance and ignorance are worlds apart

2010-12-11T18:00:00.000+08:00

to think that you could say that you're over me is just a joke. the way you've been treating me. i dont think you've ever loved me. after every fucking thing. i told you. i invested everything in the hope that we'd get back together. but once again. you cheated me. you lied. you just had to break my heart. if it was some fucker who talked you into this. i'm gonna be even more disappointed if that's possible. to think that someone else's words could make you do this to me. after everything. i'm am so angry with you but i'm just sorry for you. i honestly hope you didnt just dig a hole for yourself that you wont be able to come out off. you are never one to sit there and do nothing. after this month. after christmas. you're gonna be alone. and so will i. but i will never come crawling back again. and i know neither will you. i just hope your heartlessness will help your through in life and into god's kingdom. the way you smoke and talk to people. the coldness in your heart. no way is that christian like. i dont know what you're trying to prove or to whom. i just hope that when you realise what you've done. you'd have the courage to make it right. and not make it worse by closing up again. have fun with the people that were there for you in your most troubling times. i wish you blissful ignorance. you're gonna need it. good luck on sunday. tears dont fall and use somebody are your personal theme songs. decode should be sung by someone who can feel regrets. or someone who needs too. but whatever it is. have fun.

muacks.
i love you maria.

Anything.

2010-12-06T02:50:00.000+08:00

it's not about the fight but what the girl would do for the guy. haha.

nightmares.

2010-12-06T00:52:00.001+08:00

i dont know why i'm thinking this way. i cant even sleep cause i'm afraid of these nightmares. but you're fine. you always will be. i dont know how long you wanna play this game of yours calling us dating. you maybe happier with the way things are now. but i'm not. I hope you come to a decision soon. or the very least give me some hope that what i've been trying to do might come true for us. i'm not asking for a deadline. but atleast show me that we're progressing into something. k? i love you. muacks.

closer to the edge

2010-12-04T15:26:00.001+08:00

i'm having nightmares of you and him. it's really killing me. i need your hugs to secure me. i've never been so insecure my entirely life.

Moving mountains.

2010-11-29T13:10:00.003+08:00

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here.
I just need some time alone,
Before I'm ready to come back home.
There's got to be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town,
I can't let this place keep me down.

So I tell myself,

"There's a girl out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."
And I can hear them calling my name tonight.

Take me away, I need the sand and the waves
The sunset and lets not forget those warm autumn days
I just need to get out of here.
And visit the coast just to see her.
There's got to be something else out there for me.
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream.
There's more than this Midwestern town.
I can't let this place keep me down

So I tell myself,

"There's a girl out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."
And I can them it calling my name tonight.

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home

i need some time to start missing you like crazy all over again.

somebody save me.

2010-11-29T06:21:00.000+08:00

i dont know why i'm crying again.
i hope you realise the risk i'm taking here.
if you break it one more time,
i wont be standing behind you anymore.
mentally and physically.
so please think hard.
for both our sakes.
have the courage to tell me the truth.
about whatever might affect our intended plan.
then atleast i can still admire the selflessness.
no matter what,
or who.

Listen to me.

2010-11-28T03:03:00.000+08:00

this is for you.

2010-11-25T04:53:00.000+08:00

i'm hoping we can start tonight.

2010-11-25T04:32:00.000+08:00

suicide.

2010-11-23T03:21:00.000+08:00

whenever i messagI you something like that. proclaiming my love or whatever. you never reply. and it's usually cause you've done something you'll regret and will probably kill me again. or you fell in love with someone else. again. i dont know what to think anymore. and i dont know if i should even be bothering to wait. you're just leaving me to hang myself. well, wont be the first time my life was in your hands. you do what you deem fit.

Saosin - You're Not Alone

2010-11-21T06:45:00.000+08:00

Dawlish.

2010-11-19T16:39:00.001+08:00

if only we knew how to say the things we should.

And how I wish I'd, wish I'd thought a little bit more
Now should I, would I, could I means I'm out of time
Should I, would I, could I can't change your mind
And I wonder, wonder what I'm going to do
Should I, would I could I are the last words of a fool.

Static

2010-11-11T15:30:00.001+08:00

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you SAT AND told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here.

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

girls in general.

2010-11-09T21:25:00.002+08:00

now i know what you meant when you said you became numb to love and feelings.

wrong.

just numb to love and me.
to feelings?
hell yeah.

i was skeptical when kej and monkey asked me to go for zoukout.
super hot girls and tight bod guys all flirting around and ending up fucking each other without even knowing their names.
maybe your kinda scene, but it's not mine.

now since you're going i have another reason not to go.

i have money now,
i can afford whatever i want.

guess you left me at the wrong time.

and one more thing,
if you dont believe about what i said about my convo with tab,
ask avlyn.
i showed her everything.

and told her everything.

to live would be an awfully big lie.

sharing.

2010-11-08T14:22:00.000+08:00

you tried your best for everything you ever wanted.
because you wanted it.

i guess you just didn't want me enough.

Don't tell me anything else.

2010-11-06T16:11:00.000+08:00

O-Town - All Or Nothing

2010-11-06T15:52:00.000+08:00

fuck's the word.

2010-11-04T02:45:00.003+08:00

i hope you enjoyed yourself today.
i spent the better half trying to get by,
getting angry for no reason.

but after talking to avlyn
and telling her things only my bestfriends know.

she didnt believe you could have done some of the things you did.

your friends should know who you really are,
what you really are.

i'm sick and tired of always running back to you.
swallowing my pride and think that if i chase you,
everything would be back to normal.

i relive that day you cheated me everyday other day of my life.
i still remember every single fucking detail.

you are not sorry.
you have no idea what sorry means.
so what if you apologise?
that's suppose to make everything better?
just because you say sorry does not mean i have to forgive you.
just because you say sorry does not mean it's ok.
just because you say sorry does not mean you're right.

time you learnt that.
i'm sick of your crap.
honestly,
go make more fucking mistakes and keep telling lies and hold secrets from your "bestfriends".
you don't deserve them the way you're treating them.

you don't deserve me.

and it took me so long but i have finally seen that.
yes i love you.
yes i'm sad.
but till the day you deserve me,
don't bother talking to me.

i dont give a FUCK if you don't care.
because maria,
it's your fuckin loss.

iPAQ

2010-11-01T17:57:00.003+08:00

it's time for me to disappear.
i need my break.

The only exception.

2010-11-01T17:57:00.002+08:00

for disappointment is just a variation of opinion.
my trust in you was destroyed, rebuilt then thrashed.
but my love still remains.
just for you.

show me the light when i'm stuck in the dark.
even though it is right in front of me.
i still cant see you.

my hands touch hands as cold as steel.
my heart feels no beat.
my phone hears no ring.

but i'm on the way to believing,
believing that there is nothing left.

nothing more for us.
not even as friends.
not even acquaintances.

you do not deserve my friendship.
i was looking at the pages you wrote tirelessly for my present.
how things have turned.
i am proud of your achievements.
proud of where you are.
but disappointed with what you're given up for that.

all i expected,
i hope,
was a simple wish.
once a year.

and you can't even remember that.
it would have taken lesser than a minute to type it out and send.
i guess you couldn't afford that in your hectic schedule.

you have proven to me that even with a history of what we had could amount to nothing.

our lives are a past.
and i thank you for showing me that nobody is as good as they seem.
no matter how much you put in and trust them.

i honestly don't care if you just close this or forget everything.
i have said what i've been keeping in my heart for so long.

i'm not saying i'm sorry to you.
but i'm sorry for me,
to trust someone and have hope that they would still remember that you were there at times when they had nobody to talk to. nobody to turn to.
i guess i was just a toyboy.

you are the last piece in my past that i have to close.
the one mistake i never regretted.
i never got with you because you had beautiful looks.
but because you WERE beautiful.

i don't know who you are now.
and i don't judge.
i've tried to always give you the benefit of the doubt.
always told people around don't worry. she knows what she's doing.
she's busy.
blah.
blah.
blah.

gosh.
i put the trust and hope in the wrong person.
you really have betrayed and shattered all the hopes i had in you.

i dont even know why i'm always whining so much.
i guess you're tired,
or even better,
can't be bothered.

it's ok.

we'll be a dream.

Nothing last forever

2010-10-08T00:54:00.000+08:00

i will.

2010-10-08T00:30:00.003+08:00

to the rest of the world,
i'm sorry.
to my friends,
i'm sorry.
to the people who said they would be there but couldn't,
i'm sorry.
to the friends who made my life miserable,
i'm sorry.
to the people i made fun off,
i'm sorry.
to you,
i'm sorry.

this is my eulogy to myself.
all it takes is one word,
call it self pity.
but i don't really give a fuck.
you sons of bitches can go fuck yourself and turn it round and do it again.
oh yes i'm angry.
i'm very angry.
but i can't stop smiling.
funny when you know when things are gonna end,
they just love to start back up again.
when you think things can't get any worse,
it always does.
when the words to your going to be famous song pops in your head,
the next line just fades away.
i guess i just wasn't meant to be famous.
sometimes i see myself and i wonder how loserish i can get.
i have been overshadowed by my peers.
even when i shine,
it's always second best.
i guess maybe i'm afraid of the spotlight.
boo hoo.
fuck you sean.
you really are the worst whiney son of a bitch i've ever known.
do yourself and all of us a favour,
the window grill's open.
just jump right out.

title.

just whisper.

2010-10-06T20:33:00.001+08:00

sometimes love knocks you down,
just cover your face and lie back down.

glty.

2010-09-01T16:09:00.001+08:00

you really know what to say to hurt me more than ever. to even reduce to those fucking jerks that did all that to you. whatever maria. good luck with your life.

my chemical romance.

2010-08-31T21:43:00.001+08:00

you're life always SEEMS better when i'm far away from it. i shall leave you that way. i just pray you've stopped smoking and that you wont regret any further decisions in your life. muacks. i love you.

cliche.

2010-08-31T03:48:00.001+08:00

if our lives were perfect, you wouldn't love me as much. And i, wouldn't do anything for you.

Resistance.

2010-08-31T01:40:00.001+08:00

darling, you are just about everything to me. darling, you are the one thing that holds me together. i'd rather remember our happy moments then be angry. muacks. ich liebe dich.

I like the way it hurts.

2010-08-30T21:19:00.001+08:00

you give up when you want. but speak for yourself. i know you'd prefer to be single. but don't for once think i share the same thoughts.

Liar, it takes one to know one.

2010-08-30T10:41:00.001+08:00

you got angry cause i didn't pick up your calls or reply your messages. maybe you should realise that my phone was on silent and i was sleeping. after being with me for over a fucking year you still have to sneak around and do stuff. if you were copying email from one account to another, why were you not signed in to your miss.mariaaaaaa one? were you writing it down on a piece of paper? uptil now, you still can't tell me the truth about anything. good luck for both your chalets. i hope you find what you're looking for there.

2010-08-30T01:55:00.001+08:00

photo's like that get you guys you say you don't want. anymore.

will there ever be you and me.

2010-08-29T21:02:00.001+08:00

i miss you more than ever. i dont know if it's the right thing. i dont know what i'm doing. but i know that i was yours. but you chose to let me go.

2010-08-29T17:34:00.001+08:00

2010-08-29T04:14:00.001+08:00

i guess you already got the bitch post, i'm fucking tired of your fucking sneaky ways.

Dashboard Confessional - Stolen

2010-08-14T02:09:00.000+08:00

equality.

2010-08-14T01:17:00.001+08:00

those everything we did mean so little to you? that makes all the other guys equivalent to me. it's not so much as to what you did, but more of your attitude after.

ASSume.

2010-08-13T15:43:00.001+08:00

when you thought you sent the message that could have changed everything, you realised it was in your drafts.

Unwritten law.

2010-08-13T04:02:00.000+08:00

Had a bad day, don't talk to me, I'm gonna ride this out
My little black heart breaks apart with your big mouth and
I'm sick of my sickness, don't touch me, you'll get this
I'm useless, lazy, perverted, and you hate me

You can't save me
You can't change me
Well 'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything everything's my fault

Went to the doctor and I asked her to make this stop
Got medication, a new addiction, fuckin' thanks a lot
Had a relapse, I'm bad at rehabs, it ruins everything
So point your finger, at the singer, he's in the pharmacy

You can't save me
You can't change me
Well i'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything's my fault

You can't save me
You can't blame me
Well i'm waiting here to take the fall
And everything everything's my fault

And I'm a death threat, haven't slept yet
Baby, why the wakeup call
I'm the bad boy, tell the tabloids
Everything's my fault

Yeah, write it
Everything's my fault
Everything's my fault

I went to heaven, but couldn't get in, for what I have done
I said please take me, they said you're crazy, you had too much fun

You can't save me
You can't change me
Well i'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything's my fault

You can't save me
you can't blame me
Well i'm waiting here to take the fall
And everything everything's my fault

You can't save me
You can't change me

Everything's my fault

Note to self.

2010-08-12T00:07:00.001+08:00

dear Sean,

i know you have nothing to live for. life around you cannot be as bad as it seems. well, it is. you can't do anything right, and nothing right is going for you. you used to have so many talents but you wasted them all cause you took it for granted or let others decide for you. well, it's too late to change now. you're going to live the rest of your life a useless man with nothing to live for. just waiting for the world to take it's toll on you. and die, either by accident or on intent. whatever happened to the smiling and optimistic you i used to know and love? everything got changed since then. life is so boring with you in it. there is no more spark in your eyes when you smile. when you even find the energy to smile. you lock yourself up in the room all day cause you don't want to face anybody cause you're afraid they might reject you. they will Sean. they will never want to hang out with you cause you're such a loser. you are not the life of the party. you cant even start a party, let alone finish it. you never know what to say at the right times. you just shoot people down. no wonder nobody wants to hang out with you. because of you're sarcasm, you're girlfriend left you. the one thing that held your life together you drove away. bravo boy, bravo. you amaze me sometimes. i wonder why you don't just kill yourself cause you're such a pathetic loser. really. i can't think of anything worse in this world than to see what you've become. you disgust me. get a life boy. you're just killing everyone around you. think about it you asswipe.

love, Sean. xoxo

Mindjolt.

2010-07-19T01:31:00.002+08:00

funny how i should have put that video after you decided to leave me.
cause every damn word is what i wanna say to you.

my dream would come true if the second verse actually happens.
i never thought i would come to this.
but i never thought alot of things could happen.

i don't wanna always be the one suffering.
i want to get over this.
but how exactly can you get over someone you would do anything for.

i miss you so much.
but i cannot let you win,
isn't that what you're thinking?
you need your space?
i didnt wanna say this just now,
but didnt i give you your space?

didnt i try?
or did you misuse it,
again.

you give me the same bullshit all the time.
yes i'm angry.
because i had to message you first.
make the first move.
i knew my sister would say something.

but never mind all that.
but after doing what you was waiting for me to do.
after i spoke to you nicely.
no sarcasm.
no cynicism.
i was being honest and truthful.
but once again,
that wasn't enough for you.

i can't believe i'm even bothering to be angry with you.
why?
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GOD DAMN IT.
i don't confuse my love for hate.

i could never hate you.
i could hate the things you did,
but i could NEVER hate you.

i think you should start listening to god,
instead of always speaking.

even then,
i think if he says exactly what i told you,
you would never budge.
because you don't wanna lose to me.

can you please, please tell me,
exactly what are you losing out to me?

by you refusing.
are you honestly happier?
if you are,
don't be afraid to say it.

but if you're not,
then i honestly don't know what exactly are you doing?
you donna wanna lose to me,
but you would rather lose you happiness?

you don't use me as your safety blanket anymore.
i swear.

you know i would always love you.
but you dont come back to me.
even if i beg you.

i don't even know why i'm always crying over you.
is love really blind?
or is it just you?

i was there for you,
every step of the way.
every problem.
every thing that brought you down.

you think i was some bodyguard you sleep with?
huh?
while i protect you when i know,
but whatever else behind my back,
you have you own fun?

and yet,
you broke up with me.

i'm going to change my phone number.
and everything else.

because until the day you fucking decide to grow up,
i don't want to have anything to do with you.

2010-07-18T17:47:00.002+08:00

i realised that i lose friends not because i did something wrong,
but because i just ain't cool enough.

yes i make them laugh sometimes.
i help them with their problems.
i go the extra mile.
but even so,
i'm just not cool enough.

because i'm too boring.
i'm too safe.
i'm too old-fashioned.
i'm too normal.

honestly,
there's nobody more sorry than me.

i wish i was cooler.
more fun.
more happening.
better at anything that i think i'm actually good at.

i realised i never treasured anything i was good at actually.
i used to be able to sing,
but because i was afraid to perform,
i never took care of my voice.
so now it's gone when i need it.
sorry lexine, but i'll try my best.

i could write stories,
my imagination was endless.
but i was too afraid of actually making it big.
too afraid of the attention i could get.
so i never wrote any.

i could play the guitar.
my plucking was awesome.
but i was too afraid of making a mistake on stage.
so i never bought the $300 guitar i was eyeing for years.
i spent my money on nonsense.

i used to love cycling.
i could cycle for hours without feeling tired.
but when the tires were punctured and wheels bent,
i spent my money on others.

i used to draw.
pictures only i understood,
but captured the attention of others.
i thought i was so good i didnt need practice.
now i can't draw a circle.

the first time i touched a ball,
my dad made me kick the proper way for almost 2 hours.
i was 6.
i could pass a ball straight through to anybody i wanted.
going wherever i wanted.
i was proud of myself.
but i forget to keep doing the things i was good at.
so now i hit everything first.

i used to have a girl,
i loved her for all my life.
i would do anything for her.
but i took her for granted and she left me.
now no matter how loud i shout,
she's too far to hear.

i had a lot of things going for me.
i took for granted everything i had.
i lost it all.

when i got you back,
i thought i could start my life anew again.

but,
i was afraid.
i didn't want to fall again.
i couldn't.
i would break.
so i hardened myself up on the outside.
but the inside i was too fragile.
everytime something went wrong,
i put on a front and pretended i din't care.
each time i was hoping, wishing, praying,
you would come back.
each time telling myself you pushed it too far,
time to cut some slack.
each time i encounter a problem i close back up.

i don't know why though,
even though i try every single time.

i'm crying just thinking about the thought of actually letting you go.
cause i can't live without you no matter how stubborn i am.

i know you hate my songs cause it's all cliche.
but i just ask one favour.
watch this one.
that's all.
it has everything i wanna say.
and don't roll your eyes at the title.
just watch it.
cause this is exactly how i'm feeling now.

reconciliation.

2010-07-18T15:36:00.002+08:00

i really dont know what you want.
i'm not trying to make you feel guilty.
what's the point?
so i would be better than you?

all these years and you think that is what matters to me the most?
to beat you?

i'm not gonna argue.
cause i dont wanna be better than you.
if you are better without me.
better be single.

then I'd rather you at least have the courage to tell me.
you choosing to just ignore me mis making you a hypocrite too.
don't blame me for your mistakes.
don't blame me for reminding you of it all.
because i am.

i still blame myself for everything.
if you really chose to go then tell me.

don't leave me hanging.

i don't wanna message you and fight cause i don't wanna ruin your last few days with him.

but you take it like i don't care.
have you cared?
ever since he came, you've been all over him.
i get it that you're happy yo see him.
instead of always webcamming.
i tried to understand too.
but you don't even wanna make an effort to help me.
you just assume that i will never understand.
that's why you don't tell me.

i don't know what else to say hots.
i love you.
and i wanna be with you.
but i don't know why we always fight.
i don't wanna lose you.

you seem so tired and distant when you're with me.
like you're trying to hard to just please me.

you keep forgetting i fell in love with the relaxed cheerful you.
the one who could just laugh at anything and make me smile by just sitting there.
how many times do i have to emphasize that you don't have to try to make me happy.
because i already am.

it's all a reverse effect.
you try to make me happy.
you get tired when it just doesn't seem to work.
then you get pissed cause i'm not responding.
then you think we shouldn't be together.

just three day ago we were talking about everything.
how did it all end up like this.

you really think i don't want you to be happy is it?
what kind of fucking boyfriend would i be?

i want you to be happy.
with your friends and all.
but also with me.

these past few weeks you've been so tired.
i really don't know from what.
ever since we got back on feast day.
it's like you were already burnt out but just decided after a toss of coin to give it a shot.

we are BOTH in this TOGETHER.
i'm not doing it for you,
and neither should you do it for me.
we should be doing it for each other.

but that's up to you.
i don't wanna give up.
but you look like you've already done that.

you've turned all the love to hate.
i don't see how you could do that.

you really think i enjoy blaming you?
then i'm telling you now maria marissa perera.
i don't.

i blame myself.
for everything.
and that's the fucking truth.

Fruit for thought.

2010-07-15T02:59:00.002+08:00

sometimes it is difficult to understand.
but it goes both ways.

it really is sad that you dont make an effort,
to integrate me in EVERY aspect of your life.

you wanna spend time with him,
fine.
but the way you do it is like you have two boyfriends.
you're counting just because you saw a movie with me mean's it's a check of your list?

that's just ridiculous.
i know you don't wanna ask me to come cause you're afraid i might spoil the mood.
that you cant be yourself.
then aren't you being two people too?
one when you're with me and the other with everyone else.

what kind of person are you then?
you're suppose to help me accept you for who you are.
and somethings have to be sacrificed.

you think i don't sacrifice anything.
but that's because i don't freaking complain about everything i gave up for you.
but you do.

you count all the things you do for me.
then i should start counting too.

if i really meant that much to you,
you would want everyone to know who i am.
the connection we have.
but at the same time protect me from eveything else.

but honestly.
from my point of view,
you don't seem to want to do anything.
i'm not comparing us to anyone else.
but it never hurts to look at the things that might help and try to emulate.
every couple is different.
but why is it that the couples who stay long together always have one or two things in common?
but you don't want to be the same.
alright, i get it.
you wanna be different,
be unique,
be special.

but that is getting us nowhere.

yes we are getting better.
but at what rate?

cause i still see the old habits coming back.
and yes i do see things changing for the better.

but just because things are getting better doesn't mean we should lean back and just stop doing anything else.
right?

the reason i'm writing it all here and not telling you is because i don't want us to fight without hearing each other out.

the things i write on my blog are things i want you to think about.

i am not aiming you or anything like that.
why would i?

i want us to work out in the first place.

i love you.
and i know you do too.

but maybe,
and once again, it's my point of view,
you should be more vocal,
more expressive,
more proud of us,
more proud of me.

muacks.
goodnight hots.

dumbells.

2010-07-11T15:33:00.002+08:00

you treat her like she's single and you expect me to be ok with it.
when i'm her boyfriend.
well, not anymore.
thank you once again.

My life is a song.

2010-06-11T01:56:00.002+08:00

Now girl you're beautiful,
so beautiful,
It tears me up like what,
no matter how much I get,
it never seems to be enough,
We've had our, ups and downs,
our highs and lows,
And everytime we fight it's like more of the truth's exposed,

But you know,
that's just the way love goes,
If I wasn't passionate about it baby than I wouldn't explode,
Oh, temper, temper,
well here we go again,
Cause I'm your lover,
your protector,
and your very best friend,

There ain't a doubt in my mind,
that we weren't meant to be,
Baby girl, you're so fine feel my frequency,
I want ya, next to me for the rest of my life,
I'm singing "No more lonely nights!" like Bob Marley,
"Everything is gonna be alright!"
said I want you by my side til the day that I die,
We can drink,
get high,
We can dance all night,
Under the moonlight,
tongue and cheek gotcha freakin' on me,
Baby please!

Lovin' you, is easy cause you're beautiful,

Now when the sky is fallin down,
girl I found that you're the cure,
Cause you're the only thing that's real when I'm feelin' insecure,
You're always,
there for me when I need someone to care for me,
Apparently,
you made the right move,
rather carefully,

So til the end I'm lovin' you,
kissin' you and huggin' you,
Even though your friends have got a different point of view,

And after everything that we've been through,
it's really easy lovin' you,
It's true,
my heart has got the scars to prove,

I'm obsessed with you and everything you do,
It's magical, it brings me close to you,
close is true, I don't know what you do,
And I remember when we started,
everything was so real,
There's no words to express the way you made me feel,

And lovin' you ain't hard, it's easy cause you're beautiful,
And who knows what's coming next, our sex is like a ritual,
Ooo-cha Baby girl you got a place in my heart,
You either hold my life together or you break it apart,

You really got a hold on me,
Don't you ever let go,
Don't you, let me be til I tell you so,
You're on my mind, all the time,
it's so controlable,
Cause you're oh so fine, and I'm claiming you now,
Whoa-oh, Hang-on, how low will I go?
How high can I get? I've lost all control,
Whoa-oh, Hey-look, How far will we go?

You gotta hold on my soul don't you ever let go.

maybe.

2010-06-11T01:48:00.002+08:00

maybe we forgot to do something.
maybe we should have talked about it first.
maybe we should have kissed before we said anything.
maybe we should have hugged.
maybe if i had listened to what you were trying to say.
maybe i should have spoken my mind.
maybe you shouldn't have lied.
maybe i shouldn't have been too controlling.
maybe i shouldn't have been so possessive.
maybe you should have thought a few more times before you said yes.
maybe i shouldn't have got down on one knee.
maybe i was too persuasive.
maybe you were too scheming.
maybe you wanted your freedom.
maybe i wanted to trust you.
maybe you tried to help me trust you.
maybe you gave up halfway.
maybe you didnt try at all.
maybe i didnt give you a chance.
maybe i should have just kept faith.
maybe we should have trusted more.
maybe you shouldn't have cheated.
maybe i should have let you smoke.
maybe i should have let you shisha.
maybe i should have let you go out with your friends.
maybe i didn't trust you enough.
maybe because of the lies.
maybe because i keep finding out.
maybe you got pissed.
maybe i got pissed.
maybe.
maybe.
maybe.

just maybe, you left because you didn't know where to hide your face.
just maybe, you left cause i figured you out.
just maybe.
just maybe you got pissed, not because of the way i found out.
but the fact that i actually managed too.
just maybe, you should stop lying.

just.
maybe.

i don't know.

2010-06-10T02:02:00.002+08:00

is it weird to think about the day you die?
i dont know.
cause i'm thinking about it now.

i'm sitting on my bed thinking about to tell my friends and family.

and honestly, i dont know what to tell them.

i only know what to tell you.
i really love you.

but i dont wanna be with someone who doesn't want me.
and even though it hurts to say this,
i'd rather you be with someone who will make you happy.

i don't know why you're behaving like this.
maybe it's time that you found someone new.
i've been crying so long,
i totally don't know what to think anymore.

my body feels so weak.
i even forget to breathe sometimes.
and no, i'm not being dramatic.

everytime i look at you,
i feel the longing to hold you and kiss you.

i don't know if you feel the same way.
but i will never know.
because you'll be too proud to admit it.

i hate it. that we became like this.
but i only have myself to blame.

i was too blind to see,
that you were happier without me.

i'm trying,
to live without you.
but i really can't.

i don't wanna jump into another relationship.
because i know i love you.

i don't know if i will live to tell you this.
but i love you.

a rivetingly sad tale.

2010-02-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

the pain inside.
sending shivers down my spine.

it must have been nice,
when you met him.
so young and free.
kinda like how we met for the first time.

when you were smiling when you saw him.
like how you smiled back at me.

when you brought him to the hill.
where i brought you.

so innocently.
just the two of you.
sitting next to each other.
under the stars.
just the both of you.

kinda like how it was when i brought you there too.

laughing and smiling at his jokes.
looking at his smile from the side.
feeling nervous when he looked straight at you.
feeling immobilised when he moved closer to kiss you.

kinda like how it was when i made my move.

the feeling you had when he kissed you.
must have been different.
but it was still a kiss.
no matter how long.
3 seconds, seconds, 10 seconds.
it's the same.

the irritating feeling that it's getting too late and you gotta go back.
the sad look in your eyes when he stood at the foot of the stairs.
the hug and kiss you got before he left.

kinda like how i send you home.

the impatient feeling to go into your room to reply his message.
the smile you got when he replied yours,
receiving it while lying in bed.

kinda like how you used to reply me.

the thought that came in your head when you asked him to go online,
as your fingers were numb from all the messaging.

kinda like how it was when we were young.

funny thing was.
that wasn't your boyfriend.
that wasn't the guy who knelt down in front of you and asked you with all his heart you be his.
that wasn't the guys whom you said you felt butterflies when he kissed you.
that wasn't the guy who you feel so shy looking straight in his eyes.
that wasn't the guys you said you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

your boyfriend was waiting anxiously for each and every reply.
with loud music blaring in his ears and cute girls dancing in front of him.
he was sitting at the corner waiting.
for each and every reply.
smiling and telling his friends how happy he was to be with you.
that everything was gonna work out.
that life was gonna be great.
how he laughed and said that he would rather be with you anywhere else then in a club full of girls,
i bet he didnt know you already had your company.
how he believed that you were sleepy and tired.
and how he said he loved you.
with a kiss with his eyes closed.
and heart wide open.

funny thing huh?
that you preferred someone who wanted your body, but the person who wanted your heart,
you forgot.

i loved you with every single ounce of my blood.
and i know you know this.

the only person who can ever make me feel better,
to help me forget everything,
is you.

muacks.
i love you marissa.
faithfully.

Choices.

2010-01-31T23:06:00.004+08:00

i might have pushed it too far.
i might have been too selfish.
i might have done too much.

don't we just love to ask ourselves the mights?
gosh.
sometimes we just don't see what we do have.

choices.

choices differ us.
choices make us think.
choices make us do what we want.
choices show us things.
choices.

do you think you made the right choice?
do you think you were compelled to make that decision?
do you?

you make up excuses just to make yourself feel better.
you make up reasons so as to play down the story.

the story is never that nice.
you may have left.
but you left me open.

perceptions ought to be shot.
the fire should be left in the cold.
pens should be written.
the wind should be blown.
the phone should be called.
that should put the oxymoron back into our lives.

running.
cant we do something different people?
it really sickens me.
i just don't understand.
people can be so much in love.
they love them so much,
that the think that by them going away it's for the best?
that the other party wants that?
doesn't everyone want to be loved by someone who loves them more than they do?

are everyone's perception just so warped these days?
my god people.
just shut the fuck up and listen please.

you're calling out to him.
how can you hear her whisper?
"i love you too."

To you.

2010-01-30T03:10:00.006+08:00

wipe that tear away not from your eye.
slowly walking down the hall.

someday you will find me.
caught beneath the landslide.
in a champaigne supernova darling.

showcasing.
beauty with no brains.
love but with a touch of hate.

i always thought i could write songs.
maybe i could get someone to sing them for me?
i believe i have much potential in many things.
haha.
pity there ain't potential in me doing anything about my potential.
i know many people too.
rich and famous to just you.

people like me know what it's like to see others rise.
but the sad part being we tend to see them fall too.

i used to be apart of someone who had alot of potential.
guess what?
i dont think they would know if i'm still alive till they saw me.
they once said nice things about me.
things people tend to say without thinking about the future.

i wont believe you'll be there till there's been gone.

it's so so far away now i dont know if you still know me.
wait.
you don't.

it's all because of you you became this way.

smiling all day won't wipe the tears away at night.

i know you still cry.
sadly you don't even know why you cry.

the effects could be quite numbing hmmm?
the sheer irritation of wanting to solve something but not knowing what the problem is.

friends tend to help.
someone sent me a song.

"once upon a time,
we had alot to fight for.
we had a dream, we had a plan.
sparks in the air, spread alot of envy.
didn't have to care once upon a time.
remember when i swore, my love is never ending.
and you and i will never die.
remember when i swore, we had it all."

you will stay, i'll sail away.

you maybe flying right now.
but you crash down every night.

time to grow up my dear.
you wont see lights your whole life.
the people you left behind are so pissed at you.
not because of jealousy.
but more of disappointment.
you made friends.
good ones.
people who trusted you.
who loved you for who you are.
not for what you could do.

don't second guess once that we are not proud.
cause no matter what they say,
we are.

but don't tell anyone.
it might hurt our plan.

a message and a call won't hurt no one.
and it wont take long either.

friendship costs more than cash hon.
you can't buy your brothers.

so stop this.
grow up.
put it behind.
not everything revolves around you.
maybe you mean more to people than you think you do.
if everybody were to be this proud, we're all fucking screwed.

don't talk behind the back.
that's just cowardly.
and you,
don't pretend like you don't care.
don't pretend like it doesn't matter anymore.
don't think too highly of yourself.
don't tell me you've tried but he's just to ignorant to listen.
the key part of communication is not talking.
it's listening too.
if he doesn't want to listen maybe you're saying it wrongly.
so stop being a selfish, ignorant, arrogant, hypocritical bitch.
guys do tend to be girls sometimes.

no one has a reason to hurt.
a reason to leave.
a reason to forget.
a reason to shout.
a reason to be a bitch.

please tell me if you do.
and if i cant talk you out of it,
i'll give up.
but the least you could do is listen.
with reason.
if you gonna start talking with the misguided perception that you are right.
then smile and walk past.
but if YOU wanna make it work.
i do like tea and long hours of conversations.

so for once damn it.
just forgive.
forgetting is a fairytale.
but the least you could do is talk.

this ain't just for you.
it's for you, you and you too.
i think you'll find something to relate too in this.
to you.

The falling out.

2010-01-25T14:33:00.002+08:00

the shore is so near my love,
for the sun shines so faintly on the sand.
the wind blows so forcefully through my hair,
but the leaves stay oh so still.
my life has been an opera,
but only a select have been shown the end.
my heart is so still right now,
for the inevitable has been set in motion.
the careless thoughts of my subtle mind,
to the expirations of my weakend heart.

the joys i once felt, the happiness in my life.
all gone like the music in my soul.
such pain might last forever my sweets.
are you certain you would inflict them on me?
the scars would not fade, not like the hate.
love is such a queer feeling.
the only phenomenum on earth where love and hate coexist coherantly.
just like fried ice cream.

shine my love, shine for all the earth.
for when you fall, it'll be too dark to shine again.
you only have one shot in life, take it.
don'e be afraid, what's so wrong in falling?
what's so painful of a scratch?
what's gonna really kill you?
the scratch? or the regret?

bullshit.

life can be a bitch, but so can you.
you make life, it doesn't make you.
sad ain't it? cause it would be so much easier for the latter.
we wouldn't have to make choices. just follow the rules and be nice.
screw that. you wanna be a ridiculously looking puppet then by all means.
but that don't be such a pessimist and think everyone hates you.
that's more sad then being a puppet.
have some balls. or just grow some tits.

the world don't revolve on you lassy.
you gotta dance along with the tune.
the music's banging. let's do the waltz.
speak your heart was a term used before speak your mind.
kinda for a damn obvious reason.

the curtain doesn't fall cupcake.
the light's don't go off.
the encore doesn't sound.
for the singer doesn't hush.
the king never lived.
for the music,
the music honey.
the music doesn't die.

mes condoléances

mi amor.

2010-01-08T00:39:00.003+08:00

boom boom boom.

i think i can write much when i want too.
muacks!

haha.

don't laugh.
i'm really happy.

but puzzled at the very same time.

i mean i never thought you could have done something like that to me.

i never ever ever ever thought for a second.

that's why it's so shocking.
i knew you loved me.
but that really knocked the wind outta me.

but i still love you.
i love everything about you.

no matter what you did.

i still do.
i still very much do.

every inch of me still wants to be with you.
and i won't stop.

i know you feel really guilty.
but just forget it.
you can spend the rest of our lives making it up to me.

i'll still be here.
you know i wont run away.

haha.
i love you too much.

muacks!
i'm still yours.

forever and for always.

I will run. But only to you.

2009-12-22T03:40:00.001+08:00

I've never loved you more. And I meant every single word I said. You mean too much to me to let you go. And I swear i'll just die if you leave. I really love you. I'm forever yours. Faithfully.

the curtain call.

2009-12-17T01:02:00.002+08:00

this wil be my last post.
i've decided that i dont want people to know anything about me anymore.
cause if they really wanna know?

they'll ask.

no use reading about my life and thoughts when you really don't care.
you want gossip?
go read a fanpage.

i hope you're happier with whoever you're with.

like i said,
'if you can't make him happy, don't break his heart.'

i will pray for you.
good luck.

muacks.
i love you.

au revoir avid listeners,
to all my adoring fans.
i'm so sorry i can't continue.
but this posts are all just rants.

if you really wanna know,
just give me a call, or a message.
if you can't even do that,
don't bother, i won't entertain your boredom.

twist.

2009-12-16T04:08:00.003+08:00

poethically poetic poets.
for show.

we never know where we are till we get there.
and then some.

looking past life ain't exactly pretty.
but we had our moments.

love is blind.
but people ain't.

relationships are hard.
but friendships are worse.

i dont really know where i'm going with this.
i don't even know why i'm awake at this hour.
i just like the peace.
i miss my room.

i can safely say i have the best view in the house.
and not many people have experienced it at night.
it's so serene.

i think i need to go away for awhile.
just disappear.
maybe jail?
atleast i get to have plenty alone time.
i heard the food's not that bad anyways.

i was thinking malibu,
but it's too expensive.
how much does a ticket cost?

pick up surfing.
maybe just sleep in the sand everynight.
i wouldn't mind.

i cant do this anymore.
it's getting too difficult.
i need a new outlet.
i need sometime.
i dont know what i want.

i think i must be the most undecisive person my friends know.
and most of them have said.

i'm sorry i dont have any talents.
i'm sorry i'm not popular.
i'm sorry i cant do the things the rest of you can.
i'm sorry i'm not good looking.
i'm sorry i'm not rich.
i'm sorry i give you so much trouble,
i'm sorry i'm so sensitive.
i'm sorry i cant accept you.
i'm sorry i cant accept myself.
i'm sorry i can't run fast enough.
i'm sorry i can't speak well enough.
i'm sorry i smoke.
i'm sorry i dont dance.
i'm sorry i dont talk about my feelings.
i'm sorry i dont speak out.
i'm sorry i'm good at observing.
i'm sorry i think i can only sing averagely.
i'm sorry i dont draw anymore.
i'm sorry i lost touch with god.
i'm sorry i can't say i love you anymore.
i'm sorry i can't give you hugs.
i'm sorry i don't know what i'm talking about sometimes.
i'm sorry i'm getting fatter.
i'm sorry i dont have strong manly arms.
i'm sorry i'm so hairy.
i'm sorry i'm indian.
i'm sorry i don't have nice and expensive bikes.
i'm sorry i can't play soccer that well.
i'm sorry i cant play sports well too.
i'm sorry i don't live in a condo.
i'm sorry i dont have much to give.
i'm sorry for nothing helping out in the house.
i'm sorry for being rude.
i'm sorry for always sleeping.
i'm sorry for not taking the initiative.
i'm sorry i can't protect you.
i'm sorry i cant do anything right.
i'm sorry i don't ave a license.
i'm sorry i don't own a fast car.
i'm sorry i live in woodlands.
i'm sorry i can't study.
i'm sorry i cant do well in school.
i'm sorry i can't be with you.
i'm sorry i don't deserve anyone.
i'm sorry for doing eveything wrong.
i'm sorry for doing anything right.
i'm sorry doing anything at all.
i'm sorry for not having enough courage.
i'm sorry for not being there for you.
i'm sorry for being who i am.
i'm sorry for being me.
i'm sorry.

thestoryofmylife.

ich finchdu diech

2009-12-16T00:32:00.003+08:00

fuck this.
fuck that.
fuck crap.

fuck life.
fuck cash.
fuck trash.

fuck you.
fuck me.
fuck everybody.

fuck school.
fuck home.
fuck work.

fuck love.
fuck friends.
fuck family.

fuck laptops.
fuck phones.
fuck technology.

fuck something.
fuck everything.
just fuck me.

fuck.

somebody to love.

2009-12-15T00:25:00.003+08:00

i went to rp today! (:

always liked that place.
it just makes me feel nice and normal.

i met up with kej and a few of his emp crew.
went over to the emp room.
tried my hand at the cdj. haha.

i think i have a knack for music.

maybe change course?

i'm sorry for what i said.
i know i should have been more tactfull.
i'm really sorry.

i hope you will forgive me.

i still hope you wont run away,
one time a month isnt exactly considered talking.

i love you.
muacks.

don't let me drown.

2009-12-08T02:12:00.002+08:00

come, break me down.
bury me, bury me.
i am finished with you.
look in my eyes,
you're killing me, you're killing me.
all i wanted was you.
i tried to be someone else.
but nothing seemed to change.
i know now, this is who i really am inside.
i've finally found myself.
fighting for a chance
i know now, this is who i really am.

cause i'm broken,
when i'm open.
cause i'm broken,
when i'm lonesome.
and i dont feel like,
when you're gone away.

my testimony.

2009-12-07T04:17:00.004+08:00

you know what?

fuck you.
fuck this shit.

you think you;re the only one suffering?
huh?

you think i dont give a fuck?

well screw this.

you seem to be fine damn it.

going out every other day.
making new friends.
smoking.

yeah.

you couldnt have done that with me anyways right?
i was always holding you done.
preventing you from doing what you wanted.

well now since you've gotten rid of me,
i guess you can do whatever the fuck you want.

just go k?
really.
just get out of my fucking life.
i cant believe you.
really.

you said i didnt want to be together.
since when have i not?
huh?

you drove us apart.
with your unwillingness to trust me.
with your unwillingness to trust in yourself.
with your unwillingness to trust in us.

and you say i broke us up.

you wanna get together?

huh?

why should i say yes?

when you broke your promise,
just days after we broke up.

if you remembered even slightly,
that promise of you not smoking was to be ineffect even if we were just friends.

but you must have forgotten.
maybe you thought it would have helped you get back to me huh?
and the going out?

shisha-ing?

i feel like jumping out of my fucking window.
i dont even know why i'm feeling like this.
i dont even know why i'm fucking crying.

argh.

i used to have control over my entire life.

but now i feel like i've lost everything.

just go away.....
please.

i hate you so much right now.
you made me hate you.
you made me feel this way.

now i know how love can turn to hate.

dont try to talk to me.
or ask anyone anything about me.
they dont know anything.
nobody knows anything.
because i didnt tell ANYONE anything.

nobody cares.

so fuck this.

i have another 4 years.
then fuck this shit.

i'm gone.

au revoir.

Now that the love is gone.

2009-11-28T22:06:00.003+08:00

now i know the truth.

i guess the truth become lies but the lies just stay that way.

we now know the reality of it all.
and they say guys get over it faster.

they forget to mention how we always regret.
no matter how happy we are.

we always regret.

It's going both ways.

2009-11-21T03:53:00.001+08:00

You can't run away from me forever.

I'll always be in your life.
One way or another.
You know that.

So why are you even trying?
Please don't make this any more difficult then it already is.

Alright?

We were doing ok.
I don't know what came over you.

You just flipped.
and you don't even wanna explain.

It's not fair.
Not fair at all.

Here I Am.

2009-11-20T11:32:00.001+08:00

Boo.

It's getting colder aint it?
And i'm running out of long sleeves and jackets.

You seem fine in just your shirts and shorts.
Going about as if it's spring.

Is this war ever gonna end?
What more do you want from me?
What more do you wanna take?
I don't have much more left inside of me to give.

I still love you.
One way or another.
You still mean alot more than everybody else.
Cant you see that?

Why are you blinded but time?
Time isn't important right now.
It's trust and everything else.

If you're hiding something,
Just tell me.

Cause I know there's something.
I'm willing to listen.

Now it's up to you if you wanna tell.

Love.

2009-11-18T03:26:00.001+08:00

I need to talk to you.
I'm so lost without you.

Try to get through to me.

Love.

vindication.

2009-10-28T23:24:00.002+08:00

i miss writing.
so i shall do it again.

to everybody out there,
to friends lost and new friends made.
to the poor in the pockets,
to the poor in the heart.

to the music lovers,
to the serenity we craze.
from screamo to folk,
i salute thee.

for nothing stands,
nothing sits.
nothing stops,
nothing moves.

to the believers of peace,
to the boys with marksmanship badges.
to the UN politicians,
and to the UN troops in iraq.

to the dancers in schools,
to the dancers in the streets.
for import lovers,
or for muscle enthusiaist.

to the naive,
to the mentalist.
for the outspoken,
and for the soft.

my many thanks and gratitude.
you have taught me much.

my life,
the way i think.
the way i move.
my music.
my many loves.

from watching anberlin live to seeing the president.
without you,
nothing could happen.

cause if we all sing as one,
the world would hear us.

shhh.
you're not listening.
can you hear it?
you heart playing it through your eyes?
can you hear the screams of joy?
the expression on your face when you won.
yeah.
that's why we live.
for moments like this,
for that smile.

so smile.
cause we're almost there.
can you see the light?
if you can't,
open your eyes.
it ain't my fault chinese eyes are small.
(:

"in our darkest hour,
in my deepest despair,
will you still care?
will you be there?

in my trials,
and my tribulations.
through our doubts,
and frustrations.
in my violence,
in my turbulence.

through my fear,
and my accomplishments,
in my anguish,
and my pain.
through my joy,
and my sorrow.
and the promise of a will be tomorrow.

i'll never let you part,
for you're always in my heart."

rocket to the moon.

2009-09-29T23:05:00.001+08:00

cause you know that i adore you.
muacks.

i'm doing everything for you.
(:

S.C.L.I.F.

2009-08-26T12:22:00.001+08:00

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go

And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

You're not making this easy

Promise by Matchbook Romance

for my scrawny lanky irritating friend.
i told you i know songs.
i hope it helps.

short.

2009-07-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

human are just the funniest people.

so let's start over.
it's a song sweetheart.
it really is.

why is it that people just seem lost when the path is so well lit?

love. friends. relationships. shhh. for once, just listen.

2009-07-15T02:43:00.002+08:00

i'm listening darling.
i'm listening very carefully.

i'm very happy.
but at the same time kinda worried.

my life,
in every other aspect,
besides school,
is getting better.

i've found my friend who was here before,
lost,
but now here to stay.
you know who you are.
and don't pretend.

you can bluff me with your ridiculous stories and nonsense,
but your innocent face and voice gets me all the time.
haha.
i still can't believe i believed you ok?
hmph.

but yes,
you do make my life more colourful.

and to you,
a brother.
treat her right ok?
you know you love her,
and she know's she loves you.
that's all that matters.

sooner or later,
you'll understand.

the day we stop hoping,
is the day we stop dreaming,
but the day we stop dreaming,
is the day we stop living.

i got that from somewhere,
and i hope it helps someone,
because every word,
every emotion,
is felt.

open your eyes.
are you still blind?
show me the way,
that's what i'll say.
the morning light and the dew just stands,
but the beating of my heart,
ran past every drop.
can you see it?
the shape in the cloud.
can you see the dragon?
or maybe a heart with our names around.
say what you want,
do what you please,
feel what you must,
but give all your needs.
cause that's what i'm here for,
a palm bigger than you.
to catch you or hold you,
for my promise still stands.
i love you, i love you,
in each,
and every way.

this it the reason i write.
muacks.

to friends lost and relationships broke,
this rhyme may have no reason,
but it touched your heart,
for a split second or more.
a memory may flash,
a butterfly may flutter,
but the reason this feeling may be,
it takes cowardice to wonder.
the truth is just there,
in sight plain to see,
but courage you must have,
courage to face thee.

shhh.
just listen.

love = faith, sacrifice, trust.
my definition.

plonder and reason,
but the truth,
the truth,
will never falter.

love,
the nastiest game till death,
but the greatest feeling alive.

dementia of a young man.

2009-07-13T00:51:00.006+08:00

i still hear your voice
when you sleep next to me
i still feel your touch in my dream
forgive me my weakness
but i dont know why
without you its hard to survive.

shhh.

how long has it been? hmmm?
i need you.
really.

i kinda miss writing.
but the part i hate most is that i cant stop.

your arms are my castle,
your heart is my sky.

i love you.
but in my ears,
there is only silence.
i need you,
but my eyes only see a road.
i miss you,
but all i feel is the wind.

shhh.
just listen.

everytime we kiss,
i reach for the sky.

come on take a step towards me
so you can figure me out.

you can stay if you want to,
but i'll try,
to keep you close to me.

you say we're all tied up and,
useles.
but we had the time,
to realise we were wrong.

shhh.
can you hear it?
cause i'm losing my touch in hearing the inaudible.

you took the fall,
and thought of me.
above all.

muacks.

shhh.
can't you feel it?
the rose along your skin?
the chills down your spin.
the warming of your heart.
the feeling you get when you close your eyes.
can you feel that?

no?
then shhh.
close your eyes.
follow your heart.
listen to your dreams.
strum the guitar.
stare at the stars.
take a smoke.
go for a run.
or just pray.

you think you can hear don't you?
haha.
you heard a joke?
thats just about what your answer is.
you cant hear nothing.
so just shhh.
why are you so anxious?
why are you so always so hasty in your decisions?
why must you always be first?
why can't you just lose?

shhh.
i know i can.
i know i can do this.
but it's just so difficult.

forever in my heart,
i finally found the love of a lifetime.

you really think so?
then what are you waiting for?
why the hesitation?
i close my eyes,
thought i was lost but i was stranded.
i go outside,
to my surprise,
the sky elanted.

and so i fall,
i dont wanna feel this small.
you know i just cant handle this.
handle this at all.
and so i fall,
i let my heartbeat drop,
i falter as the music stops,
and you watch me as i stall,
and wonder when i...

fall.

shhh.
go on,
you've kept me waiting.
so just watch me.
cause you know the landing's not gonna be soft.
cause you know i'm gonna feel pain.
every ounce of it.
so just watch.

when i made up my mind,
and my heart along with that.
to live not for myself,
but for god somebody said.

do you know what you are getting yourself into?

things i ask myself,
do i know?

shhh.
i'm getting into you.
cause you got to me.
in a way words i cant describe.
i'm getting into you,
because i got to be,
your essential to survive.

i'm gonna love you with my life.

shhh.
i've been a liar,
and i'll never own up too.
the kind of person you deserve to worship you.
you say you will not dwell on what i did,
but rather what i'll do.

I love you.
and thats what you're getting yourself into.

reconcilliation.

2009-03-02T00:20:00.003+08:00

i'm so glad i've moved on.

like seriously.

i guess once again someone was right when she said that maybe she just isn't the one.
haha.
and to think i actually argued back that time.
but you cant even take the credit now even if i wanna give it to you.
you are so far even though you live so near.
irony.

i dont know if you changed your number or something.
or if you're using the other one.
maybe your mum found out about it already or something i dont know.
but anyways.
i just wanted to know how you are.
thats all.
to see if you're alright.
maybe i message abit to later huh?
haha.
i guess for a school kid 12 is kinda late huh?
haha.
i'm still thinking about last time i guess.

well.
i know this is so not the place to say this.
but,
i'm sorry.
for everything.
for all i said that made you angry with me.
that made you disappointed with me.
i'm sorry.

you should know that i'm not really good with apologies.
thats why i'm resigned to doing it here.
i said alot of things back then.
things i didnt really think through.
whether it made sense or not.
it was still uncalled for.

i miss you.
your hugs.
your laugh.
your messages that make me smile WITHOUT fail.
i miss telling you things and hearing all your expressions and comments.
i miss you telling me that everything's gonna be alright and actually have the faith to believe that.
gosh i just miss having you around.
you were really there.
i just couldn't see.
forgive me.
thats all i ask.

if you see this.
ad decide to forgive me.
you know what to do.

i love you.

as simple as that.

2009-03-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

dramatic.
intriguing.
awesome.
ground-breaking.
emotional.

vendetta.

pure love.
thats the only explanation.

it says it all.

2009-02-23T03:40:00.000+08:00

happy birthday.

love.

Absence.

2009-02-21T02:04:00.002+08:00

A hundred days have made me older since the last
time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at
this the same
all the miles that separate,
disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go

Everything I know, and anywhere I go it gets hard
but it won’t take away my love And when the last
one falls, when it’s all said and done it gets
hard but it won’t take away my love

oh no it wont.

your welcome.

2009-02-20T05:14:00.002+08:00

please...
oh just please...

how do you want me to feel?
my life is in such a mess right now...

what about my school?
i'm so lost...
i just do the stupidest things...
if i get expelled?
what will happen to me then?
ns?
its not that i'm dreading...
but what about my uncle who's paying for my education?
i've let him down so much...

please...

i'm so sorry.
help me...

i promise i'll make everything better...
just give me another chance...

please.

Things girl should realize.

2009-02-16T16:50:00.000+08:00

Things girls don't realize....

1. Guys are more emotional than you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer than you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day, but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

8. Guys don't care how gorgeous you are, if you're a bitch Goodbye.

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like 'You know what?!..uh...nevermind..' would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

11. Guys are very open about themselves.

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

14. Guys love you more than you love them.

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. They rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole hell of a lot.

16. No matter how much guys talk about butts and boobs, personality is key.

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, 'Please come and listen to me.'

23. ,b>If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

25. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

32. Not all guys are jerks. Just because ONE is a jackass doesn't mean he represents ALL of them.

33. They love it when girls talk about their boobs. haha it's true..

34. When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually

35. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.

36. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

37. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

38. Even if you dump a guy months ago and he still says he loves you he probably still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life...

phone codes all over again.

2009-02-09T16:30:00.002+08:00

gosh.
why is it so difficult to do something.
especially for myself.
it's like all my life i've been trying to please other people.
trying to give them what they might want.
but i always tend to forget about me.
tend to forget what i want.

i dont think there should be a reason for that.
i mean i should be trying to make myself happy too.
i was.
but not now.
i dont know.
maybe it's because i want so much more for myself.
i dont wanna be just contented.
i know i want more.
i need more.

last night.
there will always be one person who will always contadict himself but still make absolute sense in what he says.
haha.
i guess it's runs in the family.
the godfamily.
haha.
i thank you bro.
for always listening to my nonsense.
haha.
for always telling me just enough because you know no matter what i still have to decide on my own.
but you always respected my decision.
and i will always be grateful for that.

gosh.
i just feel so lost nowadays.
i cant think properly.
i mean who takes another card when you already have like 19 with 4 cards.
its blackjack suicide.
but thankfully danny was there to point it out to me many a times.
haha.

is there degree's to love?
i guess i'm just weird huh?
thats what she always said anyways.

will you always be there?
i dont know.
i know you dont know too.
but i want you to be.
i will be here.
always.

to 22.

it's all there.

2009-02-07T03:21:00.000+08:00

I got myself into some trouble tonight
Guess I'm just feeling blue
It's been so long since I've seen your face
This distance between me and you

That voice you showed me is not the one I know
I must be strung out on what I do
Don't hang up again
There's nothing else I know how to do

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

I guess it feels like you're always alone
And I feel that way too
It's so hard to explain to you
Please understand what I do

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

Took my trouble to a bar tonight
For another point of view
But there's nothing new
I'm missing you

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

My life. Part 2.

2009-02-05T23:20:00.002+08:00

if soccer was like basketball.
then everybody would be tall.

my family has politics.
along the margin of the usa.

pertinance is a big word.
so is truth.

i need the money.
that is why there is a savings account.

i like the used.
its the name of a band.

if my mum uses vulgarities.
does that mean i can?

i love you darling.
so please dont go...

My life. Part 1.

2009-02-05T17:05:00.002+08:00

bring on the rain.
the sun's just too bright.

the floor's too wet.
so whats the problem?

i need to get new shoes.
just wish etnies were that easy to find.

music just rocks my soul.
i wish money was that easy to find.

apple's are nice.
but i still prefer oranges.

i never take medicine.
i believe that my immunity is as good as my eyesight.

i believe in love at first sight.
thats why i'm still blind.

the first time you sell a gun.
feels like the first time you have sex.

my dad doesn't like loud music.
i prefer acoustic.

i like movies with deeper meaning.
thats why i find the spongebob movie so fascinating.

friends are said to be always.
but i think enemies stay longer.

for eternity.

2008-12-10T02:24:00.002+08:00

the end of a journey.
a beautiful one.

i could not have asked for a better friend.
a better counsellor.

i thank you for everything.
for the time spent listening to me cry.
the time spent telling me its gonna be alright.
and just the time spent making me feel like i can carry on,
no matter what.

thats how you made me feel.
and i am eternally grateful.

i guess it took us 6 years.
to finally realise that we're just to different.

or maybe it's just me.

i dont know.

but you know how i feel.
about all this.
you know i dont like to do something if i dont find a purpose in doing it.
you should know that about me.
cause you know almost everything.
if after all this time,
with me telling you everything about me,
you dont know.
than i have nothing to say.

and about me knowing things about you?
how can you say i dont.
even if you dont tell me things about yourself.
you think after 6 years i know nothing?
that would be ridiculous wouldn't it?
hmmm?
i know i dont know everything.
but it's not any of our fault.

i did try to ask.
but you just dont tell people.
and you were the one who told me that.
so i respect your decision.i dont ask anything.
but you know i am always here if you need me.

dont blame me for feeling the way i do.
or saying things that may seem irrelevant or presposterous.
but thats how i feel right now.

i'm a very sensitive person.
if i feel that a person wants to share things with me.
no matter who, i will listen.
when a bond is made,
a connection formed.
i treasure it as much as i can.
i give my all.
and this you know.
i'd do anything i feel that there's still something to hold on to.
and you know that too.

so when i start to feel that you dont feel interested or when you just dont feel like talking to me.
i try to think that its just one of those days.
but when it carry's on.
i start to think why.
was it something i did?
something i said?
i dont know.
because you never tell me.
if you dont wanna tell me things about yourself.
its ok.
i understand.
but what about things that would affecct the friendship?
i think that it's fair if you told me.
i dont know.

i never was good with goodbyes.
i could never take it.
if my eyes could swell when i saw bolt.
then i think you can guess what type of person i am.
but this you already know.

and i know this is so im-personal.
but how can i talk to you?
i can't be serious with you.
because everytime i hear your voice,
i smile.

i guess that another thing that's not helping much.
we could never talk about anything serious.
unless it was my problems.
but it'll be all smiles after that too.

i will proudly admit that i miss you.
who wouldn't?
everyone that knows you will always remember you.

you know how proud i am when people tell me that 'hey, your bestfriend is here!'
i always smile.
cause even they know.
you may not think that it's a big thing.
but it shows that you make an impact.
maybe you're used to it.
having the personallity you have.
i dont know.

if you notice i dont ask you anything?
nothing that concerns you.
your feelings.

because i always believe that one should want to tell someone.
not be asked.
but i'm not like that.
i want people to ask me.
cause then i feel needed.

you know i have a security issue.
maybe it's because i grew up with two sisters that made me play with masak-maksak and barbie dolls.
but the funny thing is,
i think i'm the most sensitive.
i can handle physical pain.
but when it comes to emotions.
i break down.
my dad can just scold me.
not even raise his hand.
but just words.
but if i feel that it's not my fault.
i cry.
i will just cry.
no matter how hard i hold my tears.
i'll end up crying.
thats me.
my sisters wonder sometimes if i was the girl and they the boys.

all this you know.

thats why i was so sad when i felt that you didnt need me.
i need to be needed.
and maybe it was too much for you.
i understand.
it's not your responsibillity to bear.
but it just breaks my heart to see it end this way.

i dont know why i'm so complicated.
i want to tell you,
but i want you to ask.
but even when you ask,
i make you ask somemore.
thats my problem.
i just wanna know how much i mean to know that you would ask me that many times.
but i didnt think that by you even asking once or twice,
meant that you already care.
i guess you can say i sort of ended this friendship.

and i will admit.
that i played the biggest part in this heineous crime.
and i shall bear the consequences.

i just want you to know one thing.
if there was anything i could do,
to talk to you like we did again.
i would.
but i dont want things to be the same,.
cause it will only lead it back to the same problem.
and i dont want that.

i dont know what else to say.
but if i miss anything,
i'll just put it in another post.

i just wanna thank you.
thats all.
cause i know it's a big thing to say,
but you changed my life.
the way nobody else has.
and nobody else can.

i thank you my bestfriend.
and i love you so so much.
not to mention how much more i miss you,
miss not waking you u in the middle of the night just to disturb you.

but i wont.

you know why.

this is like nothing if you dont read it.
but i dont even know if i should post this.
it's been in my draft for 3 days already.
i dont want you to pity me.
i want you to want to talk to me again.
to want to call me bestfriend.

if it is too much to ask.
then dont do it.
cause thats what i need.
i'm sorry.
but if you ever need someone to talk to.
you know i will always be there.
alright?

i love you buddy.
like no words can say.

to all the old times,
happy or sad.
to all the nights,
that we shared.
to all the laughter,
i heard you suppress.
to all the talks,
that you conferred.
to all the smiles,
that you offered.
to all the tears,
that you shed.

i thank you now,
just like i did then.
cause it means just the same,
even though its spent.
i love you still,
i wont ever go.
cause i will always need you,
that i constantly know.

my mind is etched,
always with your smile.
so dont let it dissipate,
dont ever ever frown.
that is,
and always be,
your greatest appeal.
so keep smiling my dear,
cause when you do,
i shall do to.

i love you.

for ever your bestfriend/buddy,
sean dominic zeno iseral.
(:

i wished it would be different.

2008-12-05T01:17:00.000+08:00

i know you read the post already.
i said everything i wanted to say too.
so you know how i feel.

i guess since you haven't said anything.
i suppose that you have nothing to say to me too.
yeah.

i'm sorry things had to turn out this way.

i miss you so much.
but i cant pretend anymore.

i'm sorry.

i love you. muacks.

cause this is the hardest part.
so help me god.

to my _ _ _ _friend

2008-12-03T01:32:00.005+08:00

i dont know what happened.

well maybe i do.
cause i made it so.

after how many years?
5?
6?

do you not still know me?
or do you just not bother?
just close an eye to me?

i would give anything for you.
and even my girlfriend knows this.
she even tells me that she has never heard anyone speak of his friend the way i do.
thats because i love you.
you know that.
so are you taking it for granted?

from my view.
yes.

i know you dont talk to people.
unless you want to.
it's not you.
it's not your character to ask people for help.
because you prefer to handle it yourself.

and you know i will always be here for you.

the thing is,
i'm not asking you to tell me your deepest darkest secrets.
i'm just asking for a little gratitude.
to know that i'm not dispensible.
just like the way i feel now.

cause to me.
i treat every friendship i have seriously.
even if i have to listen to the biker talk about nothing non-stop, i will.
thats me.
you know that.
tabi say's i'm too nice.
i dont think it's a matter of being nice or not.
it's just a matter of having patience and just take it with a smile.

all i wanted was to know that no matter how little,
you need me.
whether its to borrow money from,
or talk nonsence,
or disturd me about your cousin,
or just find some new gossip.
i just needed to know that you needed me.

thats me.

but now it's feels like you've moved on.
so easily and so fast.
and conviently proving to me that once again i am,
dispensible.

i guess we're just not on the same channel huh?

the funny thing is,
i'll be the one missing you.
i'll be the one feeling moody and taking it out on tabi.

so why am i doing this right?
why cant i just carry on with the way it was last time right?

you know there is an old saying,
a man is only a man if he lives by his principles, no matter what they may be.

why should i compromise myself just so that i can talk to you and you make me laugh all over again?
when i am thinking at the same time that i am lying to myself.
thats not fair to me.

so thats why i'm doing this.
because the person that will be affectd will be me.
not you.
so i shall bear the consequences for the actions i use.

i know you will be happy.
cause you always were.
so i guess i'll see you around alright?

i love you.

p.s. forgive me if i dont give you a hug on your confirmation.
i know you know why.
tan will wish you from the both of us.
but i will be there.
because i promised you.
and i have never broken any yet.

to the old times.

You are my bestfriend
My only bestfriend
You make me happy
When skies are gray
Please don't take my BESTFRIEND away

Necessity

2008-11-23T17:19:00.003+08:00

i dont need the whole world.
i just need you.
if you need the world,
then you dont need me.

Anung un Rama (1944-present)